The Son of Aragog

I had a 1am adventure with a spider that I've deemed blog-worthy.

To put it shortly, I had to kill it with a baseball bat.


Reason #1  It was huge.


Reason #2  I didn't want anything less than three feet between me and it.  Him.  The son of Aragog.

I had just returned from a late-night shift at work and decided to stay up a few more minutes in order to read my scriptures.  I was one verse along when something big and dark bungee jumping from the ceiling caught my eye.  My heart lurched in a familiar, unpleasant way when I beheld one of the biggest arachnids I've ever seen.

He was clamoring around my bedroom door, probably preparing to make a web.  His legs were so large I could hear them pattering against the wooden frame.

I immediately went for my first weapon of choice, a flip-flop.  But I quickly realized that whether I wore it on my foot or my hand would require me to be within millimeters of the spider and something about the way he was moving suggested that wouldn't end well.

I needed distance.

My first choice would've been bug spray but this would've required me to leave the room and Odin knows if the spider would've still been there when I returned.  No, I had to keep my eye on this one.  If he got away there was a 0% chance of sleep for me.

So, keeping one eye on Aragog Jr, I reached for the aluminum bat I keep by my bed and readied myself for battle.

As I approached him he stopped his scampering abruptly and we eyed each other.

We moved at the same time.  I made a whack at him but he darted up the wall with lightening speed.  I managed to knock him down but as soon as he hit the carpet he started running toward me.

It continued like this for several minutes; I would make a swing then he would rush me.  I had never dealt with such an aggressive spider before so I had to change my usual tactic of herding them out into the open to get a clear shot.  Now I had to let him chase me far enough away from a wall so I could get a clear shot.  But whenever I took a shot he would scuttle back to the corner where the wall and floor met.  And when I got close enough to try and encourage him out of the corner he would rush me again and force me away, whimpering like Ron Weasley.

Our battle had moved into the living room, and I eventually had to fake him out.  I disappeared around the corner long enough for him to wander out into the open.  Once he had I snuck back to the entry way and struck a Gandalf pose with my bat poised vertically over his hairy head.

Resisting the urge to bellow, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"  I slammed the bat down and Aragog Jr splattered everywhere.

I gave him a second whack for good measure, let loose a giddy laugh, then basked in my victory.


Moral of the story, children?  Read your scriptures and keep a bat by your bed.

Me Me Me Meeeeeeeee

My lovely friend Shannon recently nominated me for the Liebster award, which requires that I bombard you with useless facts about myself.  You lucky readers, you.

For those of you who care enough to read this post, here are the rules:

1. Each person awarded must post 11 facts about themselves.
2. Answer the 11 questions the nominator has set for them.
3. Choose five bloggers to nominate.  (If I've tagged you in this blog, it means you're one of 'em.  If you're wondering why you weren't tagged, it's probably because I don't know you have a blog.)
4. Create 11 more questions for the bloggers they will nominate.
5. Let the lucky bloggers know.

Alrighty, 11 (pointless yet revealing) facts about myself...

#1  The first movie I ever saw in a theater was Disney's Beauty and the Beast with my mom in 1991.

#2  Speaking of which, my greatest wish is for a movie theater to be built wherein only the best of theater-goer behavior is allowed.  No kids, no crunchy/loud candy, no cell phones, no getting up and leaving/coming back, and absolutely no talking.

If not, I could settle for a semi-annual public flogging of a bad theater-goer to promote good theater behavior nationwide.

#3  I've never been snowboarding, skiing, surfing, horseback riding, skydiving or bungee jumping despite having grown up near the Southern Californian coast as well as the high desert.

But I do enjoy 4 wheeling.  And shooting things.
 
#4  I love the cold and despise the heat.  If it's cold you can bundle up.  If it's hot, however, there's only so much you can strip off until things get weird.  Besides, the heat inspires sluggish thinking and reactions, whereas the cold sharpens and quickens.

And all of this is ironic since I'm a Mexican from Southern California.

#5  I'm a huge nerd.  But did you know I'm also a comic book collector?  Here, be impressed:

Money well wasted.

#6  The majority of my iTunes library consists of movie soundtracks.  This is largely due to the fact that they helped me study when I was a student at BYU, and even now when I need to focus on something it helps to let a soundtrack run in the background while I mull things over.

I could afford it, I would hire Michael Giacchino to compose my life.  He could just follow me around with an orchestra, no big deal.

#7  I love driving manual, I even prefer it over automatic.  Each of my children will learn to, whether they like it or not.

#8  I studied Jeet Kune Do, Kempo Karate, and Wing Chun under Jerry Meyers, who was taught and trained by Bruce Lee.

And have since forgotten most of it.

#9  I think the huge deal people make over birthdays is dumb.  It's the anniversary of the day our mothers went through horrendously unspeakable pain and we were ejected from the womb, why do we celebrate it?

Acknowledge it?  Sure.  But freak out, bake a cake, take the day off work, have people sing to you and give you gifts?  Nay nay.

#10  I love the internet because it produces hilarious crap like this:

#10.5  If I were in The Avengers I'm pretty sure this is how I would react.

#11  If I were an animal I would probably be a panther.  Bagheera is one of my favorite classic Disney characters, I've always related to him.  The first thing I would do upon finding an abandoned baby is deliver it to a pack of wolves.

Then shove it so it starts crying and the wolves notice it.

And now for Shannon's questions...

#1 How do you wake up in the morning?  ie what wakes you up?
"Non Regrette Rien" has been my alarm ever since Inception hit theaters.  I don't think I even need to explain why this is both clever and cool of me.

#2 If you could drive any car without worrying about gas or street regulations or maintenance, what would it be?

The Tumbler, you silly goose.

#3 If you had to pick one feature on your face to be completely hideous, which would it be? (I'm thinking snaggle teeth and warty noses, don't disappoint me, guys)
A uni-brow would suit me well.

#4 Assuming you rule the universe, what would be the first thing you would tell people to stop doing?
Tweeting.

#5  What is one inside joke you have with a sibling and how did it happen?
My sister likes to tease me about how she convinced me I was found in a trash can by our parents as an infant.

#6  Tell me a story about a time you ended up in the ER.  Please.
Never have.  I'm invincible.

#7  What are your two guilty pleasures?  Anything.
Titanic and Red Vines.

 #8  Why did you choose the post-high school career/education/family/whatever path that you did?
Kind of a hard question, since I haven't chosen yet.  But the reason I chose to study Anthropology/Archaeology at BYU was because I've always had a fascination with ancient Egypt.  Even now I'm re-reading the textbook from my Egyptian archaeology course.

Unfortunately, a career in ancient Egyptian archaeology or Egyptology is both impractical and unsafe nowadays.

(Because, you know, of mummies and stuff...)

#9  What is the most adventurous thing you've ever done?
Drove with my dad in the passenger seat. 

#10  What is one thing about yourself or your accomplishments that you are very proud of?
I'm proud that I went to BYU and earned a Bachelor's.  Now that I've moved to Brea/Fullerton I'm surrounded by people who are much older than me and haven't even started school, so it's cast a whole new light on my experience in Provo and the knowledge I gained there.  Basically, I'm very grateful I had the opportunity and ambition to go to BYU.

#11  What is your favorite children's book?
Harry Potter, of course.  But if you're talking picture-book I'd have to say In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak.

And now for my nominations...
Brianne!
Katie!
Shelene!
Sophie!
Steph!
Clare!

Here are your questions:

#1  How many bones have you broken?
#2  If you could learn any fictional language, what would it be?
#3  What is your dream job?
#4  Your thoughts on Snooki?
#5  Your favorite holiday and why?
#6  Have you ever convinced your sibling they were found in a trash can and adopted?
#7  What is your earliest memory?  How old were you?
#8  Name something you're afraid of.
#9  What's your favorite hobby?
#10  If you were trapped on an island and could choose one celebrity to be there, who would you choose?
#11  If you had to choose to watch only one comedy for the rest of your life, which would you choose?

No, I don't expect any of you to actually do this.  It's time consuming and kinda pointless, there isn't an actual award involved.  But it's fun and doesn't need to be completed any time soon.